Doing things my way

I don't expect most people to understand/agree with me here, but I have to say...

Last night I talked on the phone with SS giving him girl advice. This makes me happy. Why? It means I'm helping him with something that's making him happy and means that we're both comfortable with exactly the way things stand. Trying to have an open relationship like this in the past has been complicated and more bother than it was worth. But things with SS and I are smooth and happy and working so well. Not that I don't miss him, but that can't be helped.

And it's three weeks now. I can make it through three weeks.

Long overdue post, which means I'm sure I'll miss updating about things I meant to.

I did find a ticket out to Aspen and spent a 5-day weekend out there. It was gorgeous, the weather was wonderful, I met a few interesting people, and I got to spend a lot of time with SS (who's boss gave him quite a light schedule because I was there). I hated leaving, especially because I found out two days before I left for Aspen that two days after I got back the family I babysit for would be going on vacation for a week and a half. Had I known when I booked my ticket, I would have planned the trip out a bit differently and gotten more time without taking as much time off work, but oh well.

Babysitting is going well. My internship too, which is finally starting to wrap up. I'm rather pleased with the way my project is shaping up.

Some issues involving financial aid and such occurred but have been resolved, so I won't dwell.

Settling into my apartment, finally. It's exciting to finally have a place that's really mine- not mine and a roommate's.

That's all for now.

"I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again"

Classes over, and I still am trying to do too much. Babysitting, internship, research. The research thus far sucks. But, I'm starting to love my internship, and my job is far too much fun most days. I had to go to the store last night to pick up aloe after sitting at the edge of a pool all day. Getting paid to spend all day at the pool and order whatever food I want and such is wonderful.

And my apartment! I'm still working on moving in. It's a bit hard to get to my bed right now, but it's a cute little apartment, and it's all mine, which is awesome. And close to campus. And not very far from where SS will be living next year.

SS left Saturday for the summer, which is kinda sucky. He also went home for a week right before he left, and I spent that week thinking about how it was going to be the same thing all summer, which made that week and him leaving both harder. I'm searching for a reasonably priced ticket to go visit.

One of the other babysitter's offered to teach me to drive once I get a permit. I'm almost 21 years old, so I guess it's about time, huh?

What you say? That You only meant well. Of course you did.

I never update this, do I? More to come soon, but for tonight:

I realized today that I will never let myself be happy or excited again about someone saying, "Well, maybe if so-and-so can't come I'll take you instead.""

Not anymore.

"So sick in the head I need to be bled dry to quit"

It's interesting being a psych major and starting to recognize and understand some of the processes we all go through all the time.

For example, we often have emotions we don't want to acknowledge or think we shouldn't. Ok, so maybe you don't need a psych class to figure that out.

I am finding myself still frustrated and upset about the way my him has been acting towards me. Barely acknowledging me, blatantly avoiding me, etc. He had said last semester that, no matter what, we could still hang out this semester. There was a movie I wanted to see that he promised we'd watch together. He said that he had formed too close a friendship with me to just let it slide. Etc.

Now, I should know from the fact that he lies so much that the chance of him following through with any of this would be slim to nil. Still, today I asked him if we were ever going to watch the movie. His response? He'd ask SS to get the house to show it for a movie night.

And now I'm feeling upset, more upset than I want to admit. Because, God damnit, he could occasionally follow through on something. Or not lie. Or just be forthcoming and say, I don't really want to see you, instead of a vague avoidance that pretends he is following through. Geesh.

And I don't want SS seeing I'm upset over this. Past experience has taught me that significant others don't seem to like you being upset over someone from your past for any reason. Plus, considering they're best friends, it seems like complaining about my him is not going to go over well regardless.

Ugh.

Here we go. Z, freaking out because we're too close too fast. Sigh. One of these days I'll get this whole relationship thing right.

I always have a place I tend to retreat to when I need space for myself for whatever reason. Freshman year of high school it was my closet. Later on, the pc lab or the boathouse. For a while I would lock myself in a bathroom and sit on the sink. Lately, I seem to be running to the grocery store. Significant? Probably not, but I find it interesting.

The little girl I sit for was so amazing yesterday. Very high energy when I got there, running around, showing me she could walk backwards, being very "talkative," etc. She still doesn't talk and only signs. She made my day.

I attempted a cheesecake recipe from Junior's (if you don't know what that means, go google it) and was mostly successful. Tastes wonderful, but a little undercooked. Must try again sometime, because I have never had cheesecake better than what I got from Junior's.

Classes are going well, except I can't seem to snap out of being lazy/ procrastinating. It will happen though, it will.

"Can't help it"

So, life for me seems to be rather interesting lately.

There is, of course, the insanity of classes and work and all that.

But there's also the crazy in a never-saw-that-coming, wonderful, amazing way. Story time?

So, if you haven't caught on by now, most of the guys I hang out with all belong to the same frat, and I'm rather close to several of them and at least know all of them moderately well. The first week of classes, it became very painfully clear to me that my him, despite anything he said or promised, was chasing after his ex as hard as he could and not giving me a second thought. And, like I did last semester, I got a little drunk one night because of this. And as I did last semester, I ended up getting sick and doing a lot of crying. One of the guys in the frat took care of me, while I cried and called my him a fucking bastard and liar and several other choice phrases over and over again. And then I started apologizing, at which point he stops me, turns me to look at him, and says more sincerely than I have ever heard anyone say anything that I shouldn't be sorry and that he was sorry this was happening to me.

I ended up falling asleep on top of him and he spent the night sitting on a couch with me lying on him because he was afraid of waking me up.

The next day, I had a hangover, which sucked but was also great because 1. it taught me my lesson about drinking and 2. made me realize that there was no way my him was worth it, leading to me getting over him so quickly and completely I shocked myself.

The day after that, I went back to the frat and ran into said guy [SS] and was slightly awkward about it. People were putting up posters for rush, so he and I ended up taking a postering route together and he again repeated that he was sorry and asked if I needed to talk. Amazingly, I did talk to him [I've been so bad about actually talking to people lately] and it was great. He made me dinner, we hung out, etc. Then N convinced the two of us to go swimming the next morning and we agreed. Let me tell you, walking outside in freezing weather before the sun in order to go swimming is a good way to make you feel like youre crazy.

We ended up getting breakfast together afterward, and repeated this later that week. And hung out at other times. And started being really flirty with each other. You get the point. There are more details, but you really don['t need them.

Anyway, yesterday morning he looks at me and asks "So we're an item now, aren't we?"

So, a week and a half ago i was miserable. A week ago my life was going great. And now, life is fantastic. I have a boyfriend who is a legitimately sweet guy and is making me go into that giddy excitement that only thing like this cause. I really couldn't ask for more.