A first time for everything

Life has been going decently well. Exam time sucks, but no worse than to be expected.

Things with the boy- well, it's hard to explain. We have talked, and we keep reaching a place where I feel really good about things and then I end up doubting the situation and neurotic. And in general, the end of the semester and the impending return of his ex-girlfriend makes me very neurotic. Which leads me to my brilliant decision this weekend.

So, as you probably know, I don't drink. And when I say that, I don't mean that I don't drink often, or much, or anything like that. I mean I have never had a single sip of alcohol.

This changed Saturday night.

So, knowing fully well that drinking because you're upset is a bad thing, and knowing that I was stressed out and rather upset (mostly because of being neurotic about this boy), I made a change of plans Saturday night and went with a few friends to a party. I ended up seeing more people there that I knew and the group of us basically just socialized among ourselves on the couch for most of the night. Withing minutes of getting to the party, I gave my phone to J and asked him to get me something. By this point though, they had managed to run out of mixers so I ended up just sharing J's drink. J was an architect. His drink was already strong enough. At some point one of his friends came by and poured more into his drink.

Sparing the details of exactly what I drank and how much, let's just say I had more than enough. J cut me off and I ended up getting other people to get me things. I will say that the whole time I was paying attention and making sure I wasn't going to put myself in any danger. I started rambling about the boy, but apparently even while drunk I'm cryptic. Plus I kept correcting myself every time I said something about him and in froming people that "there is no him." At some point I stopped and made people start getting me water. One of the guys I came with helped me find the bathroom because (surprise) I really had to pee and then I returned to the couch and resumed drinking water.

I then told the same guy and one of the friends I had been sitting with that they needed to walk me back to the frat house (the party was just about across the street from the frat house and a twenty minute walk to my place, so it was pretty clear where I was spending the night) and they did.

And of course, they open the door and are walking me in and I look up and there's the boy. I love my luck, seriously. He starts trying to figure out how this happened and I curl up on a couch. I then ask the same guy as before to walk me up to the bathroom. By the time we get up the stairs, boy shows up and takes over. We sit down on the bathroom floor and I start crying and apologizing. He tries to calm me down and also asks me what happened, but he abandons trying to figure out that for a while. I threw up a few times, but not much owing to the fact that I had barely eaten all day. He leaves for a minute to get me more water from downstairs. I found out yesterday that apparently when he did this he was trying to figure out who let me drink so he could kill them. At any rate, I continue apologizing and crying, though laughing as well because in an attempt to make me feel better, boy starts insisting I'm only allowed to laugh, not cry. I tell him multiple more times that I'm sorry that I drank and that he has to take care of me and also tell him several times that I like him and then apologize for that too. He continues getting me to drink water and calming me down and says a few times that he likes me too. After a while, we determine I'm doing much better and decide it's time to go.

We walked to his car and he asks me again why I did this. I won't tell him and he keeps asking. He tells me he knows it has something to do with him and asks what he did. We drive to his place and he says he'll stop asking until the morning. I fall asleep almost instantly.

The next morning I wake up with no hangover whatsoever, but feeling pretty embarassed and stupid. He had been awake for a while and sees that I'm awake and again asks if he gets any explanation. I want to try to explain to him, but need some time to figure out what exactly to say so I don't tell him anything. He has a meeting on campus, so he drives us both there and the car ride and departure from each other is painfully awkward.

I head over to the frat house and end up iming him, telling him that I won't apologize again because I did so so many times already that I'd deserve to be punched in the face if I did so again, but that I probably do owe him an explanation. And as he just imed me now, this story shall be continued.