more money problems

The school financial aid office, in its infinite wisdom, has determined I only need 4000 next year in aid.

My mother, of course, jumps to looking to transfer to UCONN, or maybe Pitt.

Maybe it's time to give up the idea that I can actually go to a school I like? i don't know. We'll see. I'm just trying to figure out how to continue going to school next year, hopefully here.

Some believe I should just take out the loans, but how much debt can I reasonably accumulate?

I was discussing with someone I work with, and I have been working this job almost a month. And I'm broke. And don't yet have a second job.

I'm so screwed. I really need to find a way to fix this.

"I'm invincible, so are you. We do all the things they say that we can't do."

I just walked across campus in the middle of a lightning storm. Granted, some of this trip was through buildings, but about half wasn't. It's not the first time I've intentionally walked through a lightning storm. Many times at camp. To see if I had gotten all my girls. To get my girlfriend. To get my ex. To get my ex and her girlfriend. I thought when I had busted my knee I had learned. Clearly not. When will I realize that I'm not invincible?

I also realized, walking with my shoulder bag containg a laptop, phone, iPod, work folder, that to some extent I've become exactly what I used to resent, the things I saw in my older sister, other people. There are still tell-tale signs tht I'm not- my outfit was completed by a pair of ratty old sneakers. But still. This isn't quite what I want to be doing with my life. [I want kids running around and to make a complete fool out of myself and have it be part of my job. I want to work around the clock but it never feel like I'm working. I want my best friends, the kind you can pull out of an important rehearsal to cry on because you don't know if your friend just committed suicide or not, to be near me, not across the country. I want to go sit on the edge of a pond when I'm overwhelmed, or write ridiculous programs with little point other than to see if I can crash the program. I want to walk a dog at night and talk with someone, then go watch my favorite t.v. show with my coach. I let my issues last year prevent me from getting stably set up here like that. I let fear get in the way of trying to move past it all and make a start.]

I don't know why I'm being so emotional today. Don't mind me. Life is really going extremely well. I'm just having a moment.

I don't post very regularly, do I?

Last post in my journal was pretty much resolved. I'm in Pittsburgh for the summer working on campus. Nothing too exciting, but it's a job and gives me continued freedom for the summer.

Apparently I act like a housewife, but I'm really enjoying having an apartment. Such a good thing. And A and I are even making dinner and having guests over for a get together next weekend. It'll be fun. We're both excited.

Eileen passed away, which was really hard. She will be missed.