the true story of what was

Doing things my way

2008-07-31T15:05:00.002-05:00

I don't expect most people to understand/agree with me here, but I have to say...

Last night I talked on the phone with SS giving him girl advice. This makes me happy. Why? It means I'm helping him with something that's making him happy and means that we're both comfortable with exactly the way things stand. Trying to have an open relationship like this in the past has been complicated and more bother than it was worth. But things with SS and I are smooth and happy and working so well. Not that I don't miss him, but that can't be helped.

And it's three weeks now. I can make it through three weeks.

2008-07-28T16:50:00.002-05:00

Long overdue post, which means I'm sure I'll miss updating about things I meant to.

I did find a ticket out to Aspen and spent a 5-day weekend out there. It was gorgeous, the weather was wonderful, I met a few interesting people, and I got to spend a lot of time with SS (who's boss gave him quite a light schedule because I was there). I hated leaving, especially because I found out two days before I left for Aspen that two days after I got back the family I babysit for would be going on vacation for a week and a half. Had I known when I booked my ticket, I would have planned the trip out a bit differently and gotten more time without taking as much time off work, but oh well.

Babysitting is going well. My internship too, which is finally starting to wrap up. I'm rather pleased with the way my project is shaping up.

Some issues involving financial aid and such occurred but have been resolved, so I won't dwell.

Settling into my apartment, finally. It's exciting to finally have a place that's really mine- not mine and a roommate's.

That's all for now.

"I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again"

2008-06-09T10:36:00.002-05:00

Classes over, and I still am trying to do too much. Babysitting, internship, research. The research thus far sucks. But, I'm starting to love my internship, and my job is far too much fun most days. I had to go to the store last night to pick up aloe after sitting at the edge of a pool all day. Getting paid to spend all day at the pool and order whatever food I want and such is wonderful.

And my apartment! I'm still working on moving in. It's a bit hard to get to my bed right now, but it's a cute little apartment, and it's all mine, which is awesome. And close to campus. And not very far from where SS will be living next year.

SS left Saturday for the summer, which is kinda sucky. He also went home for a week right before he left, and I spent that week thinking about how it was going to be the same thing all summer, which made that week and him leaving both harder. I'm searching for a reasonably priced ticket to go visit.

One of the other babysitter's offered to teach me to drive once I get a permit. I'm almost 21 years old, so I guess it's about time, huh?

What you say? That You only meant well. Of course you did.

2008-06-02T23:35:00.003-05:00

I never update this, do I? More to come soon, but for tonight:

I realized today that I will never let myself be happy or excited again about someone saying, "Well, maybe if so-and-so can't come I'll take you instead.""

Not anymore.

"So sick in the head I need to be bled dry to quit"

2008-03-17T16:28:00.002-05:00

It's interesting being a psych major and starting to recognize and understand some of the processes we all go through all the time.

For example, we often have emotions we don't want to acknowledge or think we shouldn't. Ok, so maybe you don't need a psych class to figure that out.

I am finding myself still frustrated and upset about the way my him has been acting towards me. Barely acknowledging me, blatantly avoiding me, etc. He had said last semester that, no matter what, we could still hang out this semester. There was a movie I wanted to see that he promised we'd watch together. He said that he had formed too close a friendship with me to just let it slide. Etc.

Now, I should know from the fact that he lies so much that the chance of him following through with any of this would be slim to nil. Still, today I asked him if we were ever going to watch the movie. His response? He'd ask SS to get the house to show it for a movie night.

And now I'm feeling upset, more upset than I want to admit. Because, God damnit, he could occasionally follow through on something. Or not lie. Or just be forthcoming and say, I don't really want to see you, instead of a vague avoidance that pretends he is following through. Geesh.

And I don't want SS seeing I'm upset over this. Past experience has taught me that significant others don't seem to like you being upset over someone from your past for any reason. Plus, considering they're best friends, it seems like complaining about my him is not going to go over well regardless.

Ugh.

2008-02-18T16:40:00.002-05:00

Here we go. Z, freaking out because we're too close too fast. Sigh. One of these days I'll get this whole relationship thing right.

I always have a place I tend to retreat to when I need space for myself for whatever reason. Freshman year of high school it was my closet. Later on, the pc lab or the boathouse. For a while I would lock myself in a bathroom and sit on the sink. Lately, I seem to be running to the grocery store. Significant? Probably not, but I find it interesting.

The little girl I sit for was so amazing yesterday. Very high energy when I got there, running around, showing me she could walk backwards, being very "talkative," etc. She still doesn't talk and only signs. She made my day.

I attempted a cheesecake recipe from Junior's (if you don't know what that means, go google it) and was mostly successful. Tastes wonderful, but a little undercooked. Must try again sometime, because I have never had cheesecake better than what I got from Junior's.

Classes are going well, except I can't seem to snap out of being lazy/ procrastinating. It will happen though, it will.

"Can't help it"

2008-01-27T21:56:00.000-05:00

So, life for me seems to be rather interesting lately.

There is, of course, the insanity of classes and work and all that.

But there's also the crazy in a never-saw-that-coming, wonderful, amazing way. Story time?

So, if you haven't caught on by now, most of the guys I hang out with all belong to the same frat, and I'm rather close to several of them and at least know all of them moderately well. The first week of classes, it became very painfully clear to me that my him, despite anything he said or promised, was chasing after his ex as hard as he could and not giving me a second thought. And, like I did last semester, I got a little drunk one night because of this. And as I did last semester, I ended up getting sick and doing a lot of crying. One of the guys in the frat took care of me, while I cried and called my him a fucking bastard and liar and several other choice phrases over and over again. And then I started apologizing, at which point he stops me, turns me to look at him, and says more sincerely than I have ever heard anyone say anything that I shouldn't be sorry and that he was sorry this was happening to me.

I ended up falling asleep on top of him and he spent the night sitting on a couch with me lying on him because he was afraid of waking me up.

The next day, I had a hangover, which sucked but was also great because 1. it taught me my lesson about drinking and 2. made me realize that there was no way my him was worth it, leading to me getting over him so quickly and completely I shocked myself.

The day after that, I went back to the frat and ran into said guy [SS] and was slightly awkward about it. People were putting up posters for rush, so he and I ended up taking a postering route together and he again repeated that he was sorry and asked if I needed to talk. Amazingly, I did talk to him [I've been so bad about actually talking to people lately] and it was great. He made me dinner, we hung out, etc. Then N convinced the two of us to go swimming the next morning and we agreed. Let me tell you, walking outside in freezing weather before the sun in order to go swimming is a good way to make you feel like youre crazy.

We ended up getting breakfast together afterward, and repeated this later that week. And hung out at other times. And started being really flirty with each other. You get the point. There are more details, but you really don['t need them.

Anyway, yesterday morning he looks at me and asks "So we're an item now, aren't we?"

So, a week and a half ago i was miserable. A week ago my life was going great. And now, life is fantastic. I have a boyfriend who is a legitimately sweet guy and is making me go into that giddy excitement that only thing like this cause. I really couldn't ask for more.

2008-01-12T16:32:00.000-05:00

This past week, we went skiing... or tried to anyway. We ended up getting in a half day at Wildcat and a day at Cranmore, and then the weather decided to be warm and rainy, which kind of killed conditions.

Some shopping, Freeport, Kittery and a lot of just relaxing and eating and doing puzzles.

So ready (and rather anxious) to get back to school.

"The past is gone, it's all been said. So here's to what the future brings."

2008-01-02T00:00:00.001-05:00

Resolutions:

1. 4.0
2. Being more social.
3. Better communication and relationship with family.
4. Taking better care of myself.
5. Only S knows.
6. Only S knows.

The saga continues

2007-12-31T00:53:00.000-05:00

Ok, I swear I'll start talking about something else at some point.

Anyway, I ended up sending him a message saying I hadn't quite said what I meant and could we talk. It took 'til tonight for us to manage to do so, but oh well.

We're still off. He needs time to think about things and I understand that. He's doing basically what I was trying to offer to him- some space and time and see where things go.

And his lack of a real response to the point where it seemed like he didn't give a damn? Apparently he was shocked and din't know how to react as he's never been dumped before.

Life isn't perfect, but it's looking up.

"Oh you probably won't remember me. It's probably ancient history. I'm one of the chosen few who went ahead and fell for you."

2007-12-27T19:36:00.000-05:00

So, I ended it with my him today.

Why? It didn't seem like it was worth it to be constantly stressing, constantly questioning about something that had an expiration date on it anyway.

And if I needed anymore proof, his seeming lack of any sort of caring says I did the right thing. He didn't even ask me why.

I feel like shit.

A continuation, an update, and dinner last night

2007-12-18T12:12:00.000-05:00

So, he and I talked, as I indicated at the end of my last post. It left me feeling a million times better. It seems things are a lot more stable that I thought they were. Does that mean I'm not going to worry about things? Of course not. But between him calling what he have a relationship and saying that he would have to be pretty convinced to see someone else next semester amongst other things, I'm not going crazy anymore.

Also, he is now my him, because I kept referring to him as "him" while I was drinking. It makes sense to J and me. If you had been there, you would understand. He's NOT my boyfriend, despite what some people are trying to say. Oh man, such lovely subtleties and technicalities. I just wait to see what next semester brings.

I'm in the airport. Leaving this morning was hard, as it always is, but possibly a little harder this time. Dropped off my him's Christmas present so one of my friends could give it to him. I also made sure he couldn't find it online (he went online and found his birthday gift so that he could see how much I spent. Lame, and I had spent too much on him too. 14 piece copper bottomed cookware set.) This time it's a creme bruelee set, as he had been talking about how he wished he had ramikens so he could make creme bruelee (his favorite dessert). Here's hoping that he decides to make me some just like he used the cookware to make me dinner.

And we went out to dinner last night. The place was a hibachi restaurant and we were sitting with four older men who were very drunk, continued to drink, and were generally loud and obnoxious. And kept shamelessly flirting with the waitress. It was still a good night, but definitely interesting.

Exams are done, but I'm a bit behind with some papers, which is stressing me out to the point where I can't write them. And it's going to be fun trying to explain to my mother why I need to work on anything when everything's supposedly done already. Plus grade time will be fun. I don't think I did too horribly in anything (provided I get these papers in), but I certainly didn't do exceptionally well. I had my semesterly break down about how I don't want to be in school last weekend. Nice that it happened so late this semester, but a little too late. And now I'm getting worked up about it again. Seriously, getting bad grades is bad enough, but getting them and having to show my parents just makes life living hell. And my mother will have plenty to say, even though she shouldn't. She didn't even manage to stay in school this time. Damn it all.

A first time for everything

2007-12-10T09:46:00.000-05:00

Life has been going decently well. Exam time sucks, but no worse than to be expected.

Things with the boy- well, it's hard to explain. We have talked, and we keep reaching a place where I feel really good about things and then I end up doubting the situation and neurotic. And in general, the end of the semester and the impending return of his ex-girlfriend makes me very neurotic. Which leads me to my brilliant decision this weekend.

So, as you probably know, I don't drink. And when I say that, I don't mean that I don't drink often, or much, or anything like that. I mean I have never had a single sip of alcohol.

This changed Saturday night.

So, knowing fully well that drinking because you're upset is a bad thing, and knowing that I was stressed out and rather upset (mostly because of being neurotic about this boy), I made a change of plans Saturday night and went with a few friends to a party. I ended up seeing more people there that I knew and the group of us basically just socialized among ourselves on the couch for most of the night. Withing minutes of getting to the party, I gave my phone to J and asked him to get me something. By this point though, they had managed to run out of mixers so I ended up just sharing J's drink. J was an architect. His drink was already strong enough. At some point one of his friends came by and poured more into his drink.

Sparing the details of exactly what I drank and how much, let's just say I had more than enough. J cut me off and I ended up getting other people to get me things. I will say that the whole time I was paying attention and making sure I wasn't going to put myself in any danger. I started rambling about the boy, but apparently even while drunk I'm cryptic. Plus I kept correcting myself every time I said something about him and in froming people that "there is no him." At some point I stopped and made people start getting me water. One of the guys I came with helped me find the bathroom because (surprise) I really had to pee and then I returned to the couch and resumed drinking water.

I then told the same guy and one of the friends I had been sitting with that they needed to walk me back to the frat house (the party was just about across the street from the frat house and a twenty minute walk to my place, so it was pretty clear where I was spending the night) and they did.

And of course, they open the door and are walking me in and I look up and there's the boy. I love my luck, seriously. He starts trying to figure out how this happened and I curl up on a couch. I then ask the same guy as before to walk me up to the bathroom. By the time we get up the stairs, boy shows up and takes over. We sit down on the bathroom floor and I start crying and apologizing. He tries to calm me down and also asks me what happened, but he abandons trying to figure out that for a while. I threw up a few times, but not much owing to the fact that I had barely eaten all day. He leaves for a minute to get me more water from downstairs. I found out yesterday that apparently when he did this he was trying to figure out who let me drink so he could kill them. At any rate, I continue apologizing and crying, though laughing as well because in an attempt to make me feel better, boy starts insisting I'm only allowed to laugh, not cry. I tell him multiple more times that I'm sorry that I drank and that he has to take care of me and also tell him several times that I like him and then apologize for that too. He continues getting me to drink water and calming me down and says a few times that he likes me too. After a while, we determine I'm doing much better and decide it's time to go.

We walked to his car and he asks me again why I did this. I won't tell him and he keeps asking. He tells me he knows it has something to do with him and asks what he did. We drive to his place and he says he'll stop asking until the morning. I fall asleep almost instantly.

The next morning I wake up with no hangover whatsoever, but feeling pretty embarassed and stupid. He had been awake for a while and sees that I'm awake and again asks if he gets any explanation. I want to try to explain to him, but need some time to figure out what exactly to say so I don't tell him anything. He has a meeting on campus, so he drives us both there and the car ride and departure from each other is painfully awkward.

I head over to the frat house and end up iming him, telling him that I won't apologize again because I did so so many times already that I'd deserve to be punched in the face if I did so again, but that I probably do owe him an explanation. And as he just imed me now, this story shall be continued.

"The tide is high but I'm holding on"

2007-11-27T12:31:00.000-05:00

So, these days I seem to range from having stunted emotions to being overly emotional with no real rhyme or reason for which happens when. At any rate, this past week I seem to be on the overly emotional end. I have had two, almost three, breakdowns, wich is something that hasn't happened in a while. Over nothing really. Today's was started from frustration over having difficulty setting up an appointment to get my wisdom teeth pulled. Now I've stopped crying and just feel supid. Let's hope this was the last time for a while.

In (somewhat) other news, boys still confuse me.

"I'm just a girl with a crush on you"

2007-11-18T20:50:00.000-05:00

Just as a warning, this entry is probably going to be rather more personal than most people ever expected this blog to be be. But don't worry too much, it's still pretty safe. I'm hesistant to post this, but I will anyway, asking that if you have an issue with anything I say, please talk to me. Additionally, as will be clear from the nature of the post, please don't say anything to the person this is about.

At one point, I was talking to someone and they told me, "yeah. so if people tell you that you can learn to love someone, tell them that it is bullshit and you want someone where there is fire from the very moment you meet." (Slightly creepy that I have it word for word, but hey, iChat saves all my conversations.) And honestly, this sounds good to me. But I feel like there's more to it than just that.

There's this idea that all relationships require work, that there is some element of effort that has to be put in. Now, to some extent, this is true. There's neer going to be a relationship that requires no amount of effort. However, I feel like sometimes people expect relationships to require a lot more effort than I think they should be. Maybe in some cases it's worth it. But honestly, in the majority of cases, I think it means you're not really compatible. Sometimes this may be hard for you to acknowledge, and sometimes it may be extremely painful. But if you have to work and work to keep the relationship afloat, something's wrong.

Maybe I'm just being idealistic. Possible.

So now, why has this been on my mind?

Though I hesitate to write about this here because some people won't want to hear about it, I have a crush. And it's far from new.

I met him almost two years ago. And well I won't claim I've had a crush on him that whole time, I will say, I noticed him from the second I met him. Noticed him in the sense that I noticed he was rather attractive. That he had a certain charm and humor about him. And the first thing he ever said to me was that if I ever needed anything, I could feel free to talk to him and he'd get me what I needed. Now, this doen't mean I saw him as perfect from the second I saw him, but most of his flaws were things that people describe as flaws in me, so I don't judge them too harshly. And something about the way he called me "kiddo" made me know that most of it was just a rough, mostly for show, exterior.

After meeting him, I encouraged my then boyfriend xA to join his frat, and to be his little. This happened, so I spent more and more time at the frat. Crush and I became pretty good friends and talked or hung out, not frequently, but quite a bit.

That's basically how things continued until the beginning of this year. He now lives off-campus in an apartment of his own, and I'm one of the few people who bothers to walk there. Combine this with the fact that a lot of times the house is just being crazy and the fact that I've been devoting less time to other organizations that I belong to, and we've started hanging ot very frequently.

He had a girlfriend in the beginning of the year, but he ended up breaking it off because she did not return to school for this semester and he hadn't seen her since the end of spring semester. (Note: this may be useful to remember.)

And so, we spend tons of time together. He's told me I make him happy. We get along easily and naturally. We have fun together, but we're both fine with just relaxing and watching a movie and such. We neer have any times when we really have to work at getting along. It just happens.

So clearly, I like him. And he, well, he confuses me. He'll say things that lead me to believe that he likes me, and then he'll say things that lead me to believe that's not the case at all. The most recent frustrating comment (more of a conversation)?

(In the context of discussing facebook changes. Lovely.)
Him: So what are with all these changes lately?
Me: What do you mean?
H: Well, is the nature of our friendship changing?
M: [nonsense non-words and a shrug]
H: Does that mean you want the nature of it to be changing?
M: [nonsense non-words and a shrug. Again. I'm so eloquent sometimes.]
H: That means yes. Ok.
And then the conversation ended. And not a word has been said. Leaving me rather confused.

And so, that's where things are. Or aren't, whichever the case may be. And I'm left debating between whether or not I like my freedom enough to keep me distracted, or if I really am hoping there were something more. And it seems to be more likely to be the latter. I think mostly what I'm afraid of is that the way things are now will change when his ex returns next semester. At times it feels like he's just trying to enjoy this semester and plans on settling back down with her next semester. and that doing such will pretty much completely change the way we are.

Now I'm just repeating myself and rambling, so I'll stop.

"It's time to be a big girl now, and big girls don't cry"

2007-11-10T20:12:00.000-05:00

So, A and I split after a year. I ended it- it just wan't working anymore. Hopefully we can be friends still. And my older brother is amazing. Thank God I have at least on person in my family I talk to. I was moping around and wishing my ~~big~~ older sister and I spoke more because there was this and other stff to talk about, and that's supposed to be sister stuff. But despite having two sisters, I don't talk with them about these things. We'll blame this on me.

I have another, issue (I know, I know), but that's better left unmentioned here.

On a completely unrelated night, the xkcd guy (Randall Munroe) came to school last night. Awesome.

Early morning ramblings, or Why I Should Lean To Read

2007-10-15T05:51:00.000-05:00

Up at 5 this morning to study for an exam. On Wednesday. My bad. I thought it was today. At least I always think things are sooner rather than later, and a little bit of early studying isn't going to kill me, though I should probably consider witching to studying for the test that actually is going to kill me.

My parents are coming this weekend, which is oh so lovely. I really do like seeing them, but only for about the first fifteen minutes. Then we run out of things to talk about, which leads to falling back on the classic conversations: grades, finances, whether or not I'm gay, etc. I should have decided to bring a friend on the trip to help diffuse that, but I don't know anyone who would want to go that I would want to come. And I get nervous having people around my parents because I am very specific about what they can and can't know.

Speaking of, I continue to deny that I'm dating anyone, and my mother continues to assume correctly that I'm dating A. She wants to meet her and have us go to dinner or something. I can see now just how well that will go over.

And in terms of A, we (mostly me) were feeling rather spontaneous and booked a trip to NYC for our one year anniversary. It'll be the first weekend in November. Flights are booked and everything. I just have to tell the family I'm babysitting for that I won't be able to work those days. We definitely are seeing one show (Hairspray) and are hoping to see another. My vote is RENT of course, but we shall see. A is doing most of the planning since she knows the city much better than I, but if anyone has suggestions of things we should definitely do, let me know.

Finally an update.

2007-09-14T09:46:00.000-05:00

It's been forever since I've updated.

Classes have started and seem like they're going to go well. I'm taking Cognitive Psychology, Research Methods in Developmental Psychology, the second level statistics course, Interpretive Practices (a required course for anyone doing anything English related), and another English literature class on race and representation.

I'm working at the Children's School again. I'm in the classroom twice a week, in the office for two afternoons, and doing some work on the weekends to make up for the fact that they're missing an assistant teacher. I also picked up a babysitting job. Three nights a week from 5 until about 8:30 I babysit for a ridiculously well-to-do family. They have two boys and an 18 month old, but I mostly am responsible for the 18 month old (at least one parent is typically home, often both of them). It's a good job and pays well, but I still find it so odd to have a babysitter when you're home. Oh well. In total, I've been working about thirty hours a week.

President of a new club we started (to raise awareness of things happening outside of CMU on campus). A week from now I will know if I'm going to be an officer for ALLIES, where I'm already running a program and on a few committees. Oh, and of course helping my favorite boys with their rush.

In other words, life is good but ridiculously busy. My dorm apartment is really nice. I've been doing less cooking than I would like to be, but this is mostly because of the babysitting (they feed me dinner while I'm there).

Clearly things with finances worked out for the most part. Still trying to put things together, but it's ooking like it's going to pull together, with the exception of one ridiculous loan we're trying to switch.

Hopefully I'll get in a better habit of updating this. I haven't been updating my other blog either.

good news and a rant

2007-07-17T08:27:00.000-05:00

I was told by A to update my blog so life doesn't look like it's still evil.

The school came through with more money than I would have expected. Now I just have to tell my mother. I wish that this was a good thing, but she was furious when she found out I actually might be getting money. So much for her feeling bad about the situation and wanting to help. Regardless, things look good. And this shouldn't be happening again, because it's enough for next year and it's illogical and almost impossible to transfer for senior year. Yay for things actually going well in this department.

On another note: If you are thirtyish or older, kindly refrain from hitting on me. Same goes if you're in high school. It's not appreciated, in some case it's creepy, and in most cases, it's just really fucking annoying.It's not like I'm all that stunning. Leave me alone.

"I'm invincible, so are you. We do all the things they say that we can't do."

2007-06-08T16:25:00.000-05:00

I just walked across campus in the middle of a lightning storm. Granted, some of this trip was through buildings, but about half wasn't. It's not the first time I've intentionally walked through a lightning storm. Many times at camp. To see if I had gotten all my girls. To get my girlfriend. To get my ex. To get my ex and her girlfriend. I thought when I had busted my knee I had learned. Clearly not. When will I realize that I'm not invincible?

I also realized, walking with my shoulder bag containg a laptop, phone, iPod, work folder, that to some extent I've become exactly what I used to resent, the things I saw in my older sister, other people. There are still tell-tale signs tht I'm not- my outfit was completed by a pair of ratty old sneakers. But still. This isn't quite what I want to be doing with my life. [I want kids running around and to make a complete fool out of myself and have it be part of my job. I want to work around the clock but it never feel like I'm working. I want my best friends, the kind you can pull out of an important rehearsal to cry on because you don't know if your friend just committed suicide or not, to be near me, not across the country. I want to go sit on the edge of a pond when I'm overwhelmed, or write ridiculous programs with little point other than to see if I can crash the program. I want to walk a dog at night and talk with someone, then go watch my favorite t.v. show with my coach. I let my issues last year prevent me from getting stably set up here like that. I let fear get in the way of trying to move past it all and make a start.]

I don't know why I'm being so emotional today. Don't mind me. Life is really going extremely well. I'm just having a moment.

2007-06-07T17:12:00.000-05:00

I don't post very regularly, do I?

Last post in my journal was pretty much resolved. I'm in Pittsburgh for the summer working on campus. Nothing too exciting, but it's a job and gives me continued freedom for the summer.

Apparently I act like a housewife, but I'm really enjoying having an apartment. Such a good thing. And A and I are even making dinner and having guests over for a get together next weekend. It'll be fun. We're both excited.

Eileen passed away, which was really hard. She will be missed.

2007-05-14T10:04:00.000-05:00

So, I may have been cut-off financially last night. I have to call my dad back, but according to what was said I was. We'll see.

There are very clear ways to prevent this from happening, but I'm not sure I'm willing to do that.

I have a meeting with my advisor. I'll sit down and talk with her and see if she (or if not, someone else) and I can sit down and work out what the most rational plan is.

family portrait

2007-05-05T21:41:00.000-05:00

and sometimes I have to wonder:

if i disappeared too, would they feel the same sympathy as when he left? or would they start to question what happens in that house?

"I don't think that I'm strong enough to do this much longer..."

2007-05-01T11:36:00.000-05:00

Warning: despite the fact that I haven't posted in forever, this post is going to be rather negative.

Falling behind on schoolwork. Actually, that's a lie. I have already fallen behind.

Don't yet have a job. Don't yet know where I'm living.

Two papers due last week. One due today. And, really, that sucks. Because they're not done. This is reminding me of Junior year of high school, except I really only fell behind in one class then.

And I have to write a lovely letter to E. Which is the hardest of everything on my ToDo list. But has to get done. And soon.

It's so much harder to get work done when I'm already behind. It's also harder when I have so much on my mind.

So, April.

Carnival was good. A's cousin is adorable and took to me quickly, which was great. Stressful and busy at points, but good.
Not much else happened.

Oh, I declared another major. No, I didn't switch again. I simply added Creative Writing as an additional major.

Friday is six months with A, so we're doing dinner and going to the incline.

Also, saw Allison Bechdel last night. I was impressed.

Ok, this entry is just a jumble. It's time to stop.

every vow you break, every smile you fake

2007-04-02T18:45:00.000-05:00

Can't some songs just bring you back to places you don't wish to visit?

I know I associate too much with music. Falling in love, breaking up, all sorts of other things.

I hear a song and I'm back in a dorm parent's appartment. Exam weekend. Freshman year. Dorm parent's husband has a guitar. We're all singing this song and having a fabulous time.

She was the only one who got away with calling me L. C.. And I got called Little S.. We had good times. Moments that mean a lot to me. I'll remember them or a long time.

She's why I became a proctor, and part of the reason I developed an addiction to Coca-Cola.

I probably would never have seen her again anyway, but it was hard to learn I couldn't have the chance.

Bouncing off the walls again?

2007-04-02T18:33:00.000-05:00

So, time for a story.

Last year, my mother received a panicked phone call from her younger sister, whose son had just been diagnosed with ADHD. This sparked a discussion in which my mother revealed that she was certain that I was ADHD and had known for quite a long time. [Many of you are probably laughing that this needed to be said.] I knew I was, and know I knew that my parents knew.

Last week in child psych, we were discussing learning disorders, including ADHD. [There was a checklist with fourteen criteria (you need only a few) and I met nine.] And now, quite frankly, I'm pissed.

As far as I had known, ADHD attributed to my short attention span and inability to sit still.

No. Apparently, several problems I have that I though were just me being crazy are syptoms/results of ADHD. And my mom thought it was humorous that I have it.

Should I be as upset as I am? Possibly, probably not. But I spent so many years thinking that so much was wrong with me and struggling with so many things. And now I find out it's likely because of a problem my parents knew existed. I'm irked.

One of the girls in class mentioned she had it, and talked about the assistance she had had in learning to deal with it. I'm not saying my parents should have put me on drugs, or taken me to classes, but acknowledgement would have been nice. And not screaming at me for things that I was struggling with so much but that I had a disadvantage at to begin with. And with the degree I struggle with it, even after having developed strategies for years, it's very likely I should be on meds.

This may be a self-pitying rant, but for God's sake, I thought so much of it was my being lazy or having other problems and now I find out that it was all something my parents knew about. I'm just frustrated.

Oh, insight.

2007-03-18T15:13:00.000-05:00

A:
i think, in our situation
im not robbing the cradle
you're robbing the grave

spring break

2007-03-18T10:48:00.000-05:00

Spring break has been relatively uneventful.

Got home with little fuss except for a delayed take-off and a late shuttle.

My mom, younger sister, and I went up to Boston to meet up with my older sister. Had a great dinner at Fire and Ice and really good dessert at Finale. Fire and Ice is actually a small chain, so if you ever run into one, I stongly suggest you try it.

Then we went up to Maine (Freeport and Kittery) to get Mom clothes for her cruise. I found a pair of pants I'd been searching for for forever and got them.

The rest of vacation has been spent at home, with a few trips to my mom's office to get her iPod set up.

My Saturday flight got cancelled because of all the snow we're getting, so I fly out Monday. trying to find a ride to and from the yellow nunnery so that I can see Germans tonight, but it doesn't look like it's going to pull together.

really bad song lyrics

2007-03-05T08:54:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, you really just need lyrics like these.

Yeah...I like it when the girls stop by.. In the summer
Do you remember, Do you remember?
...when we met..That summer??
New Kids On The block had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick.
And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch,
I'd take her if I had one wish,
But she's been gone since that summer..
Since that summer
Hip Hop Marmalade spic And span,
Met you one summer and it all began
You're the best girl that I ever did see,
The great Larry Bird Jersey 33
When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet
Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets
Call me Willy Whistle cause I can't speak baby
Something in your eyes went and drove me crazy
Now I can't forget you and it makes me mad,
Left one day and never came back
Stayed all summer then went back home,
Macauly Culkin wasn't Home Alone
Fell deep in love, but now we ain't speaking
Michael J Fox was Alex P Keaton
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch
New Kids On The block had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick.
And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch,
I'd take her if I had one wish,
But she's been gone since that summer..
Since that summer
Cherry Pez, cold crush, rock star boogie
Used to hate school so I had to play hookie,
Always been hip to the B-boY Style
Known to act wild and make girls smile,
Love New Edition and the Candy Girl
Remind me of you because you rock my world
You come from Georgia where the peaches grow
They drink lemonade and speak real slow
You love hip hop and rock n roll
Dad took off when you were 4 years old
There was a good man named Paul Revere
I feel much better baby when you're near
You love fun dip and cherry Coke,
I like the way you laugh when I tell a joke
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch
New Kids On The block had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick.
And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch,
I'd take her if I had one wish,
But she's been gone since that summer..
Since that summer
In the summertime girls got it going on,
Shake and wiggle to a hip hop song
Summertime girls are the kind I like,
I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike
Bugaloo shrimp and pogo sticks
My mind takes me back there oh so quick
Let you off the hook like my man Mr. Limpet
Think about that summer and I bug, cause I miss it
Like the color purple, macaroni and cheese,
Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees
Call you up but whats the use
I like Kevin Bacon, but I hate Footloose
Came in the door I said it before,I think I'm over you
but I'm really not sure
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch
New Kids On The block had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick.
And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch,
I'd take her if I had one wish,
But she's been gone since that summer..
Since that summer
In the summer girls come and summer girls go
Some are worth while and some are so so,
Summer girls come and summer girls go
Some are worth while and some are so so,
Summertime girls got it going on
Shake and wiggle to a hip hop song
Summertime girls are the kind I like
I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike
New Kids On The block had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick.
And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch,
I'd take her if I had one wish,
But she's been gone since that summer..
Since that summer
New Kids On The block had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick.
And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch,
I'd take her if I had one wish,
But she's been gone since that summer..
Since that summer

That is all.

"I know the signs of self-destruction so I try to stop each new kid."

2007-03-01T12:16:00.000-05:00


Self-Injury: You are NOT the only one.

Thursday, March 1, 2007 is SI Awareness Day.

"We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, DID, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no formal diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks."

Information: http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html

I know too many people for whom this is applicable.

Take a minute to read about it.

Take a second to understand.

I know the image most people think of when they hear "self-injure" is an angsty teenager scratching their wrists with a razor. This is actually not the case. Plenty of people you think are "normal" do it. I can't tell you how heart breaking and difficult it is when people think they're the only one and therefore are too ashamed to get help. It's something hard to understand, but I know that the people who I know do it because they hurt.

It's all about respect.

R.I.P.

2007-02-28T22:48:00.000-05:00

Isn't it bizarre when someone you definitely know dies, but you never knew them well?

This is the second time this has happened this year. How am I supposed to respond?

A death tells me I should feel sad, but I guess I just wasn't close enough to him. I could have been, but I wasn't. It's just an odd feeling of not knowing what to do.

Attractive is...

2007-02-26T20:40:00.000-05:00

You should check out the blog Attractive is...

Sparked from a conversation this weekend, A has started this. It's kind of surprising how different people's answers are.

Could this be the next PostSecret?

MOSAIC 2007 and other weekend events

2007-02-26T15:45:00.000-05:00

So, MOSAIC is the anual "gender conference" that CMU holds.

It happened this past weekend and I actually went this year. The keynote speaker was Sheryl Swoopes. She was fun and was interesting to listen to. Of course, her being the speaker caused my girlfriend to go insane. A got to pick her up from the hotel, show her to her room, and even get her water. Let's just say that at no point in the day did anyone around A forget about Sheryl Swoopes.

First session I went to was the student reading. Four readers, including A. Everyone did really well, which was no surprise. I know I heard at least three of the stories before. The fourth was very familiar, so I think I must have heard excerpts from it.

Second session was lunch. I do not understand how the school can put out such an excellent lunch but have terrible food the rest of the time. Lunch was excellent and it was a lot of fun to hang out with everyone. Lunch during the week is usually a hurried event if it happens at all, so sitting and talking with people was a great thing.

Third session was the first half of a two part discussion on the way gender and sexuality is presented on our campus. We examined things such as he posters that people put up accross campus, facebook groups, and other such commentary. It was interesting. I can't form too much of an opinion on it, since I didn't stay for the second half. The first half alone left a lot unanswered, and had I not wanted to go to the final session I had chosen, I would have stayed and seen if anything was better addressed. I didn't like the way everything was handled, but I'll hold off judgement and say that I probably missed important parts of the discussion.

Final session was "I'm gay an I pray," which is a pretty self-explanatory title. The panel consisted of a UU minister, a Lutheran pastor, a gay Jewish student involved in a synagogue for GLBT people and with some kind of training in religion, and a gay Catholic man. I thought the discussion was interesting, and also heard of a group that I want to check out. The Lutheran upset a few people because he was the only one not saying that religion and sexuality could be mixed. Basically, his view point was that homosexuality was a sin just like any other sin and had to be handled accordingly. While I didn't agree with him, I think I was in the minority by not being offended by him. I guess I felt that he had the right to whatever opinion he believed in (and that it was good to have an incosistent view point), and that he was at least respectful in the way he discussed things.

After the final session was more hanging around with friends and having dessert and coffee and such. All in all, a good conference.

Friday night, some friends and I took J out on a date to the Cheesecake factory. Good food, good people, good times. None of us know why J is single. Men of Pittsburgh, open your eyes. That being said, I am getting better at not being as quiet and awkward, though I definitley did play the role of quiet, awkward, white girl. Random observations: I was the only one at the table who was under 21, who was white, who didn't like guys. I still had fun talking with people. I'm told people like me but think I'm shy, but I'm getting better, I swear. I mean, I actually talked despite the size of the group of people and me not knowing several of them very well (it was A, J, and a lot of A's friends who I'm getting to know, but I wouldn't actually claim that I know them at this point). Anyway, the main point of this is that I'm getting better about being shy and that Cheesecake factory has really good food.

Financial aid issues. Of course, financial aid issues are just a symptom of family problems. Except I don't really have the right to get mad at my brother for dropping out of school and therefore jeopardizing my financial aid packet. It's his life and also, I don't blame him for the events that led to his dropping out of school. But geesh, why can't my family actually be functional for a little while?

you know how us Catholic girls can be

2007-02-21T18:06:00.000-05:00

I went to church today for the first time in, oh, forever. It actually felt good to go, unlike some of the past times I've gone. I think I've finally found a way to come to terms with my religion and exactly what I believe and what that means.

This is a big thing for me. It's caused a great deal of discomfort for me in the recent past.

Hopefully this is the start of somewhat regular church attendance. Preferably not with ashes that have people staring at me like I'm an alien though.

obligatory first post

2007-02-16T15:32:00.000-05:00

Why am I creating a blog? Well, hopefully this will be somewhat different from my beautifully cryptic lj. And therefore might actually talk about what's going on in my life in a way that people can understand. Or it can just be yet another online addiction.

Anyway, more posts of actual substance to follow. This is just the "Hello, world. This is Z" post.